What to buy a male for Christmas. Satisfaction probably not guaranteed.

Anyone who has ever read my profound essays on the incredulous life of the mountain goat will know that I am the best gift-giver. In those circumstances, buy your male window-dressing one of these this year:

Thoughts that a career girl denies she is thinking but in reality sometimes is.

A post that could easily unravel decades of bra-singeing.

Why you have to embrace your ridiculously embarrassing family this Christmas. A pre-Christmas eulogy.

I think we can all safely say we are nearing adulthood and are at a reasonable age to start showing some sort of maturity.

The Relationship Rules I Live and Die By

Almost as legitimate as the 10 commandments. Except I could only think of 7.

My recalcitrant attitude to self-disappointment. Adopt it.

Are you like me? No the question wasn't, 'do you like me'. I don’t have the thick skin or intense ego to handle the feedback. What I mean is, 'are you like me' – specifically in the sense that when you get about 88% of the way through a task, you think, 'I really couldn’t give a shit anymore?!' And you quit. And then you attempt something unruly such as blogging in the moments directly leading up to a final exam when you could absolutely be memorising section numbers and case names?

A life being addicted to fake tan – a memoir, translated from the writings of an Arabic monk

Today started like all days do after a professional spray tan – jumping in and out of the shower like the “left foot in” segment of the hokey pokey dance. A new shower record – 5.8 seconds.

A Letter to Men In General from All Women (ie. just me)

Dear Men.....

Beauty things that are essential for The Warmer/Stinking Hot Months and Mandatory for looking relatively attractive.

 

Do you know what? As soon as Winter is gone I long for it again like a pining school girl wishing her football playing boyfriend would call. And I also miss the make up routine I had going on there for a while – because I start to think I have my make-up look down pat, ya know? Darker lipstick, frostier cheeks. A bit of a nice shine without having to worry about a sweat moustache.

A few nights ago I had one of the most restless sleeps of my life.

I didn’t sleep at all really. I tossed and turned, kicked the blanket off and then politely asked it to come back again. Actually I didn’t ask, I just did. I cursed any small beam of light that made its way into the room. Hours went by. And finally, at about 4.30 am I sat up in bed and thought to myself ‘I need to move out of my house’.

Being single is awesome. Dont ever dis it again.

This post is actually an ode to all of the single girls. Oh, Beyonce already wrote a song for them? Dang, I'm always clipped at the post.

You need to spend your life savings on a tinted moisturiser.

I have several friends who are seriously low maintenance girls. They are the type of losers/natural beauties who go to the toilet while at a bar, to actually use the toilet. No lipstick application, no unsmudging of the eyeliner. They are not even into the traditional 7th layer of alcohol induced bronzer application. They just don’t need make up. Aren’t fussed with it. Would rather not bother with that goop. Whatevs, as they don’t often say.

Things that all females do which they might deny if you were to ask them in a public place such as a nightclub or at Saturday afternoon bingo.

Are you a female who eats food and sometimes drinks water when you are thirsty and one who even goes to the toilet at least once a week? Ok then, well, I am about to unveil true shit about you, that you thought I either wasn't privy to/ was too afraid to type into Microsoft Word 2005 and then copy and paste into my blog at a suitable time.

Why I have joined the bushy eyebrow club and why I think you should too.

I thought about starting this blog post with a slightly disgusting and “in poor taste” play on words about growing a bush… but I thought of my parents and how disappointed they would be and decided against it.

Girls Weekends are Good for the Soul*.

*And yes, I may have plagarised this title from the Chicken Soup book. Oh, you haven't read it? Well you could send me $35.00 and I would probably write an equally useless set of sentences that resembles the following....

A Celebration of Girl Hotness (minus party pies and balloons, sorry)

I have a friend, (and no, that isn’t the actual story). And she always, always, always describes females we may or may not be staring at (judging) while we discreetly sip on delicious, frothy, caffeinated milk drinks as one of two different kinds of hotness. “Guy Hot” or “Girl Hot”.

Not many people can say they have literally come back from the dead. I can.

If you click the sentence above I may not (but probably will) tell you all about it....

The coolest way to dump someone in 2010: Move overseas.

Remember in Year 8 when you were dating someone you met in the tuckshop line for five weeks (ok, three weeks) (this is presuming you grew up in a small town where same-sex schools were only in movies and actually probably don’t exist in the real world). And then, after several awkward conversations (ok, two conversations) (mostly by telephone), they actually expect you to go on a date with them (asking by MSN, der), and you know your Mum wont let you go to the movies with a boy and you realise he actually wears way too much hair gel anyway so you send all of your girlfriends over to his friends to say “She doesn’t like you anymore, your dumped”. And you would both go your separate ways until English in 5th period where you would be embarrassed and nervous and have sweaty-palms for the entire class. Oh, was that just me? HAHA! Well that is just ridiculous; I would never date someone I met in the tuckshop line and everyone knows the hot guys kick the football at lunchtime.

Just a little bit of an aggressive soap box-style rant about how nothing good happens when children’s issues are dragged into courtrooms.

I’d be lying if I said that working in family law doesn’t make me wonder a bit about relationships. I’d also be lying if I said I don’t suffer from severe hayfever in winter. I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t sleep in this morning and had a dream that the person who broke into my car last year apologised and gave me my 1st Generation Ipod back which she stole (and I say she, because in my dream it was one of my teachers from primary school who is sadly no longer with us). But now you all know and you can catch me out on it if I ever tell fibs.

The Wuni Student. A hybrid breed of stingeyness. "A must read if you are a tightass uni student" -The Federal Government

I wrote a couple of nilliads ago (days in Portuguese – you should learn a second language – men think it to be very sophisticated) about the author of this blog (Matt Damon) refusing to pay $200 for an in-house doctor at the Marriott and instead opting to walk 100 km (huge exaggo, man) in the pouring rain on a freezing Friday night in Sydney with a throat infection and sinusitis. You didn’t read it? Haha! Of course you read it. But that was a funny joke.. I like your style amigo. You can read it again, here. The critics described that blog post as “an imperfect and mildly funny attempt at blogging” and they said “learn to spell check, waffleface” (because I have a waffly writing style. I’m sure they didn’t mean it as an insult).

The Romantic Weekend Away – Is it just a Fallacy?

Is it just me, or is the idea that an entire weekend away with someone can actually be romantic a complete load of horesh*t? May I elaborate? Why thank you.

It is Friday night....

A friend of mine is dating a guy who wears tinted moisturiser and I am still deciding how I feel about it (hopefully I will have decided by the end of this post so that I can share it with you!)…

It all depends how you look at it I guess (kind of like walnuts – sort of – actually no, not at all like walnuts). I think there is a huge part of me that thinks it is a really good idea (the very same part of me that is addicted to strawberry clouds and fake tan). Especially because tinted moisturisers almost always have heaps of sunscreen in them. Which as we all know, is great to keep away mozzies. Oh wait, that is Rid. I mean it is great to keep away UV rays. God, I always get those two mixed up. Keeps away UV rays.

Dishing Out Unwanted Relationship Advice - Attempt #2: How to be everyone’s best friend in the toilet queue.

This blog is a bit like a sexually confused adolescent boy trying to find itself – this morning I woke up and decided to write a legal anecdote from my job, then by the time I bought my morning coffee I decided to write a beauty product review on my new cheek and lip tint (Benefit PosieTint – amazing - makes you look like an adorable English Rose), and then after hours of trying to decide I realised that the truth is that I, like my blog, am a sexually-confused teenage boy. Ha! I can assure you that is not the case, I’ve known that I like males for yonkers!

The Secret Diary of a Call Girl with a Broken Right Thumb – "This decades Kafka"

Sounds like it would be a good TV show doesn’t it? I think the leading lady’s name would be Geneva and she would seduce successful and affluent men back to her boudoir. And once there, they would eat Gouda cheese and drink Singapore sling’s and her audience would watch on in fascination (and horror) as she achieved incredible sexual feats with nothing but her mouth and her broken thumb. God Jeano. Stop blogging your finest material. That is gold. ("is this chick serious? where does she get this rubbish from?")

Thank you to all my fans who have written in seeking relationship advice. My first question comes from Amber in Ballarat who wants to know "what should I wear on a first date?"

Are you kidding me? Did you seriously think I had fans? You're crazy man... I've been writing this blog for one week. I'm no wizard. Or am I? Nope, I'm definitely not. Glad we cleared that up.

The Deterioration of the Female Body During Winter. "A blog post like no other" - The Sydney Morning Herald

There are two things the female body hates:

• Midriff tops
• And Winter

Midriff Tops.

I am inclined to talk pretty briefly about this first one out of fear that it is too obvious a topic to even go into much detail about. As they often say about climate change, it's not a political issue - it's a humanitarian issue. Asking a woman if she wants to show her stomach to the general public is like asking a grandma if she would prefer to play canasta or go try on Jen Hawkins new lingerie line at Myer. A no brainer really. Everyone looks good in lingerie..even grandmas.

How much are you supposed to enjoy your job? (Hint: Prefer to eat poisonous mushrooms than get out of bed in the morning? Probably not enough).

That is crazy... you would prefer to eat poisonous mushrooms than go to work? Where did you get such a whacked out idea man? Just have a sick day like everyone else. (Fake cough).

Problems I wouldn't mind diverting to East Timor

I like Julia Gillard's thinking. Seriously. As if we all don't have problemo's that could benefit from being stored on a South East Asian island while we figured out a way to deal with them.

Who doesn't love a good trenchcoat in Winter?

When I was a full-time uni student*, I used to see women in the city wearing beautiful trenchcoats and carrying their take-away coffees and rushing off to work looking so perfect and busy, and I always thought they were doing it to look sophisticated and protentious.

I just think traditional Italian style pizzas taste better, ok.

I always quiver with disdain when I hear a friend who used to have her own brain say "oh, WE love that restaurant" or "oh, WE didn't like that movie".

I am obsessed with Diane Kruger!

She is so dreamy and I think that if we were friends she would teach me lots of new hairstyles and how to force your boyfriend to wear a cravat to a party (this is almost impossible I think).

If only I was about 97% edgier.

Today I stumbled across a brilliant website that sells fascinators! Fascinators..with tiny deers on top of them! There are even some - where the little deer matches its outfit to the fascinator. Cute! http://www.prettygoodthings.bigcartel.com/products