The Relationship Rules I Live and Die By

Almost as legitimate as the 10 commandments. Except I could only think of 7.

When I was about 15, and ya-know, my boyfriend would forget to call and stuff, probably because he was playing the X-Box and maybe also because he found talking to me on the phone for 3 hours a night slightly monotonous (can’t imagine why), I started to come up with very basic, easy-to-follow dating guidelines for myself.
I found it easier to use boundaries to navigate the fairly hazy wrongs and rights of the dating world.
And since that time, I have enjoyed inhaling self-help relationship books and plagiarising other people’s relationship rules.
So that I now have an entire published encyclopaedia in my bedroom of relationship laws in alphabetical order. Ahem, I will transcribe my most valued relationship laws as thus follows:

Always wait for him to make the phone calls and texts. Even after the 100th date. And the next 50 after that.

Men, for whatever reason, never feel the shame or self-doubt involved with making the initial phone call - that a female will, inevitably, always dread.

So let the arrogant bastard pick up the phone himself. Every time.

When going on a first date, always take actual cash in your wallet/clutch so that the offer to pay feels slightly more legitimate.

Even if it isn’t. I just think there is something horribly disingenuous (so I am a walking double standard – what of it?) about the moment when the male goes to read the bill and the female stares at him blankly. If nothing else, it will diffuse an awkward moment. And if (god forbid) he accepted your offer; at least you would only have to pay half (cash) as opposed to the entire bill (credit card).

Oh, and never go on a second date with a man who accepts this aforementioned cash.

Cheap bastard.

Never meet his parents until 3 or 4 months in.

For some reason, males like to rush the very start of relationships. (Yes, the same males that will run for the hills after 6 months). Don’t be at all taken-aback if after two dates he’ll ask whether you would like to go to his parent’s house for lasagne, coaxing you with the suggestion that his mum has been “asking about you”.

I’ve always thought it must be similar to the way my cat kills a lizard and struts around the house with it dangling from her mouth for 15-20 minutes; trying to impress the family. Men must feel this same sense of longing to show-off their catch. Even if they then go into the shed and tear her eyeballs out. Are we still talking about a lizard? You are sick. Honestly.

Don’t do long distance for more than 6 months.

It’s too hard.

Don’t have break-up sex more than 5 times.

I’ve always thought this is my most generous rule. You get to enjoy it five whole times! You also get to experience five bouts of self-loathing, regret and confusion. Enjoy!

Honestly, if you cannot disentangle yourself from him in that ample amount of time you are probably kidding yourself or maybe you are a stand up comedian. Text me when you are next touring.

When playing Monopoly, always choose the boot as your figurine

Not entirely related to the topic.

Responding to drunk texts makes you the hook up girl

If you reply to the “heyyyi whereid areflfv you giurls tonightteew?” message with a reply as to your locational co-ordinates, he will start to think of you as the piss-wreck who he could drag home after work on Friday night.

If you wait until a reasonable hour on a Saturday morning to send your intelligently-put-together and incredibly wit-filled reply – maybe he will think of you as the “take her to get pancakes with strawberries and maple syrup when I’m sober” kind of girl. Mmmm.

I love pancakes.