Things that all females do which they might deny if you were to ask them in a public place such as a nightclub or at Saturday afternoon bingo.

Are you a female who eats food and sometimes drinks water when you are thirsty and one who even goes to the toilet at least once a week? Ok then, well, I am about to unveil true shit about you, that you thought I either wasn't privy to/ was too afraid to type into Microsoft Word 2005 and then copy and paste into my blog at a suitable time.

All females have a mirror face

This is the face a female will pull when she comes in contact with a mirror (or any reflective surface if you must know). Perhaps if your name is Jean and you enjoy confectionary this face will be one eyebrow coyly raised, wide eyes, and a ‘you just stole my carpark pout’. A 'mirror face' is usually the facial expression a female wishes she could sustain 24/7, but sadly she doesn’t have the energy nor the commitment. For example, when she is in Woolworth’s trying to choose between white or bertolli beans for a casserole… ideally, instead of looking dazed and confused she would be pulling her 'mirror face'. Other females are quick to acknowledge their friends’ mirror faces, but are usually in denial about their own. Tut tut. Embrace the face, why don’t you?!

Rowina could tell from her reflection that she had the bone structure
to pull off Lil Bow Wow corn rows. If only Timmy from playgroup knew she existed.

Any female can tell you a negative side effect she has suffered from taking The Pill

This side effect will have absolutely nothing to do with general mood swings, lack of sleep, over-eating, over-drinking, over-napping, that block of chocolate I hoovered yesterday, watching reruns of The Hills for an entire weekend, lack of exercising or getting off the couch-ercising. Don’t ever question a female on this sensitive theory.

Amanda knew it was only 4 days until the onset of pre-menstrual bloating and lethargy

All females have a female enemy

This enemy has never done anything mean or spiteful as such. In fact she has never done anything, other than being ridiculously attractive, seems to be a goddess to the male species and has many exotic friends. We let her know that she is our enemy by looking at photos of all the exciting events she has been attending on Facebook, muttering “bitch” under our morning-breath, while eating last night’s leftover pizza and wearing a formidably terrifying tracksuit.

That is just ridiculous. Batman and the Clayface could never be friends.

All females have at some point moonlighted as being a male’s “friend”

When she actually knows like the feel of her hairdryer buttons that this is utter horseshit and she wants to jump his bones as much as she wants her Dad never to find out about the time she hit the pole outside Baskins & Robbins in the family car. If a female says she is your friend and that she would like to go to the movies with you or catch up for a drink (and you are a male with limbs and are of a consenting age) she is probably telling porky pies. Or steak and mushroom’s even.

I would have sooner believed that my cat wrote The Hobbit on her annual holiday to Nepal.

All females own a hideous beige bra

This bra is an incredibly fuggo skin colour, with maternity-like straps/cup shape and looks somewhat Mum-style and unsexy when viewed on its own. But which surprisingly makes the breasts look delightfully perky and round under any hottish top or dress and is very comfortable when worn for an entire week or year depending entirely upon hygiene standards.

All females own an overwhelmingly sexy brightly-coloured bra

This bra was purchased with the intention of being worn to all sexy occasions, but never gets pulled out of the underwear drawer at all, because it serves no purpose whatsoever other than being aesthetically pleasing when semi-naked. It has spaghetti like straps and offers about as much support as a bottle of vodka offers an alcoholic.

All females experience consumer-shame

This is when the female is willing to pay for a service, but is embarrassed to do so because she is worried about being shamed. It happens most regularly when she goes to the hairdresser and is worried about getting roused on for having split ends or sizzled hair. It also happens when she needs to get her favourite pair of stilettos re-healed because she has been walking around the city on pin needles for three months, but is scared the shoe-man will judge her for being so shoe-neglectful. This may also happen when she needs to get her rings cleaned by the jeweller but is worried that he will judge her for having an orange substance that looks suspiciously like fake tan caked on the inside which came from God knows where (I may have a few ideas).

Oh Jeano. Have you been doing jazz squares on the bitumen again?

“Eww, who would wear rings while rubbing fake tan on??” There! See! I can already hear you judging me!