This blog is a bit like a sexually confused adolescent boy trying to find itself – this morning I woke up and decided to write a legal anecdote from my job, then by the time I bought my morning coffee I decided to write a beauty product review on my new cheek and lip tint (Benefit PosieTint – amazing - makes you look like an adorable English Rose), and then after hours of trying to decide I realised that the truth is that I, like my blog, am a sexually-confused teenage boy. Ha! I can assure you that is not the case, I’ve known that I like males for yonkers!
Buy it!
Anywho, on Saturday evening I was schooled by my friends on what happens when you drink a bottle of sparkling wine and eat 10 pistachio nuts for dinner. Whilst we were out making ourselves known to the general public, I noticed an anomaly between the male-female dichotomy.
And it is as follows (welcome to another over-opinionated generalisation which I am finding I am very talented at [as well as computer pinball] ):
When I am at work (type, type, type), I find that females (not all, but some – the mail delivery woman is awesome) can be competitive and isolating creatures. They are polite, but distant. Kind of like my ridiculously amazing cat Pippy and the kitten who lives nextdoor – they will say hello (nose rub) and then hiss at each other (fuck off bitch) if foodbowl lines are ever crossed.
As a perfectly wonderful example (drafted by none other than myself), a friend of mine said that a female colleague she works with plastered A4 signs all around the pristinely clean female toilets, that read “This is a SHARED bathroom – PLEASE wash your HANDS after USE” with a little picture of a Microsoft Word toilet at the bottom of each page. I interpret this as meaning “This is MY KITTYLITTER – I have now branded it with my SCENT bitches”.
But you see, I watch the men at work with great jealousy. They all shake hands, and make each other laugh, pat each other on the back and talk about football tipping competitions and the World Cup and other male-affiliated issues which make little sense to my cheek and lip tint brain.
However:
Enter stage left: Alcohol.
On Saturday night I noticed that men are no longer meeting each other smiling and shaking hands. Suddenly, they are wild animals leaking testosterone all over the dancefloor. If they bump into each other, it almost starts a brawl. And if they are interested in a girl, they start doing their mating ritual beating of the chest to ward off the opposition.
And then there are the girls in the toilet queue.
“Oh my God! I LOVE your HAIRCUT. WHERE did you get it CUT? I HAVE to HAVE the NAME of your HAIRDRESSER!”
“Do you want to borrow my LIPGLOSS. You have REALLY pretty LIPS it will look AMAZING on you!”
“WHEREEEEEEE did you get your dress?! I WANT it!”
What the hell is the G-O? Why are girls only nice to each when completely boozed?
And how amazing is creamed honey? My friend told me it is delicious because it has cream in it but I checked the ingredients and it says 100% natural honey. Could I have just found a loophole in the ‘everything delicious is fattening’ theory?
Dear Jean, it is merely whipped with great intensity.
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