The Deterioration of the Female Body During Winter. "A blog post like no other" - The Sydney Morning Herald

There are two things the female body hates:

• Midriff tops
• And Winter

Midriff Tops.

I am inclined to talk pretty briefly about this first one out of fear that it is too obvious a topic to even go into much detail about. As they often say about climate change, it's not a political issue - it's a humanitarian issue. Asking a woman if she wants to show her stomach to the general public is like asking a grandma if she would prefer to play canasta or go try on Jen Hawkins new lingerie line at Myer. A no brainer really. Everyone looks good in lingerie..even grandmas.

I was fortunate enough, that when this trend reached its peak of small-town-coolness back in the late 90's, I had a pre-pubuscent stomach flat enough to feature as a back-up dancer in a Hannah Montana video clip (if only I could crump). This is a look that can only be achieved by being a) too young to drive and get take-away food and b) not knowing about the benefits of alcohol. Both of which have since evaded me.

Lets hope this one never makes a comeback. Moving on.

Winter.

Every year winter comes around and I think "Cool! I'll let my hair go a little darker.. wear nothing but black and my fake tan line can finish just below the neck and nobody will ever know! Brilliant!"

Hahahahahahaha... so naive. Hahah (thats enough).

And then without warning the cold creeps in... as do the dark mornings and other tempting time-slowers like standing next to heaters and drinking hot coffees. All making it impossible to drag my sorry ass out of bed and then impossible to drag my sorry ass out of the shower. The first thing that always goes is the morning routine. Suddenly, I am slapping my face on like a post-modern artist throws paint at a wall. Tights have a hole in them. Nobody will notice (asif!). Hair is wet (beanies look good with a suit dont they (pfft, is this chick serious?) (I think so.)(What's with all the brackets... kind of distracting).

So off to work I race, looking like a dishevelled suit wearing, beanied, wet-haired maniac who either spent the night at the casino or woke up late because its winter and didn't have much time to get ready. Obviously it was the latter sillypants! Didn't you just read the paragraph above it!? Ha! As if I'd go to the casino on a work night! Haven't you heard of online betting?

The next thing that always goes out the door in Winter is hair removal. Suddenly the woman (ie. me) feels less need to shave her legs.

This can be put down to two very good explanations (both constructed by myself).

First of all, the legs spend 9 hours of the day covered in thick spandex tights. Its like asking a hermit-man who lives in the secluded forest why he doesn't bother to mow his lawn (1. he doesn't have a lawn mower and 2. nobody will see the lawn anyway). You're right. Ridiculous analogy - moving on.

It also links back, according to Brainy Scientists (i.e me), to survival techniques used by our ancient ancestors to combat the cold. Do you really think cavewomen would have used a Schick Daisy in the middle of a ridonkulously cold winter? Ah, I dont think so.. everyone knows Venus is at least 23% better! Ha! You guys... they didn't have razors back then, dont you know anything? Let's be serious here. The underarms are also victims of the winter self-maintenance drought. As are any males within a five metre radius of me wearing a singlet. Apologies. You're right, that was just too far. I said I'm sorry ok!

Over-eating. This problem has also been associated with other seasons of the year (namely, Summer, Spring and Autumn). But in Winter, it feels particularly pleasurable. One might even say - decadent. Naughty perhaps. Even empowering. And of course, probably the only actually appropriate word - delicious. Some girls (ie. me) blame over-eating on the cave women also who had no choice but to store fat in winter to feed their goats (those poor cave women.. what did they do to deserve all this blame-taking?).

It is also a survival strategy to store fat during winter so that any summer clothes that you were even contemplating wearing outside no longer fit. The brain is so intuitive. As are tastebuds. "Caesar salad?" I say to my tastebuds "Are you serious? Not in winter, that's summer food. How about a sausage stew and mashed potatoes?" Grr. "Damn you tastebuds, you have eluded me again".

The only options in Winter are foods that you will either have to burn off at the gym, or leave on the plate. Take your pick out of these two grim options.

Ah yes, Winter is not kind to women. The only thing that it offers us in return for its cruelty is - layers. Layers become a girls best friend in the cold months.

"Want to come over tonight and watch movies?"
"Oh sorry, I'm going out with Layers. We have just become so close over winter."

You're right. Totally stupid conversation. Apologies. But the truth is, layering every item of clothing in your wardrobe is the only way to look good this Winter. And you will look so coolio, your bf will love you for it. Hahaha....that's so silly! As if anyone will want to be your boyfriend in Winter (see above).